A poem 2

when I saw this door
the first thing I thought
was how when I was little I accidentally locked myself out
and I couldn't open the door for hours
in the first few minutes I suddenly became religious
and I knelt down and began to pray
and I promised not to look for the chocolate hidden in the kitchen
so that I can eat it in secret
I thought it was some kind of punishment
this closed door was like a big unblinking eye
and it judged and watched me all the time
after a while and after I cried
I calmed down and decided I could give it a try
to live in the kitchen for a day
I would be there for a long time
I had to be patient and calm
I lasted about two minutes
and I began to pray again
I got tired and fell asleep on the ground

I also locked myself out on the stairs as a child
when I was left home alone once
I had climbed onto a chair to look through the spyhole
and I thought I saw something strange
I opened the door to check
and only when it closed itself
I realized I wouldn't be able to go back in
even if I pushed with all my might
I knocked on the neighbors' door and rang the bell
there was no one home
I went down to the first floor and knocked and rang again
the neighbor opened the door and in my memories 
she’s like the ageing marlene dietrich
wearing make-up with good manners distanced
and with an eternal cigarette in her hand
I tried to explain to her what had happened
and she invited me in
I liked the smell in her house
perfume peace and quiet
we sat in the living room and she continued reading her book
and I stared at the paintings on the walls the vinyl records
and I waited for the wall clock to strike again
the more often it stroke
the sooner they would come home
my mother my father or my brother
would notice the note
which the neighbor left on the door – it said that I was with her on the first floor
and they would take me home

from then until today
31 years later
one of my biggest fears is to not lock myself in a room
from which I can’t get out
or to get in front of a door I have to unlock
and I can’t do it

I think that for all that time
I forgot my keys
only once or twice
I don't just mean the keys to the house
but keys to offices cars hotels places I visited
I also keep the key to the classroom at my elementary school
because I was in charge of the class in a way and I was entitled to a key

sometimes there is a practical benefit to fears
but sometimes they can paralyze you

I would like to when I look at this door
my first thoughts to not be related to fear
or any generally speaking minor traumas
and concerns about perhaps abandonment anxiety
or something like this

but to
for example
ask myself the following questions:

are there more doors or wheels in the world

what came first - the wheel the door or the fire

who lit the first door

if a door is opened without a key
a card or a fingerprint
do you need it
and is it a proper door
or a movable wall
or something like a window

why are doors needed
if we continue
somehow
to be in a way cavemen
in our thoughts and actions
and caves have no doors

I remember
of course
how important it was for me as a teenager
to be able to close the door to my room
and let no one open it without knocking first

I’m thinking of so many
songs movies pictures novels short stories and poems
about doors

I’m thinking of the doors that closed in front of my face
literally and metaphorically

I hope it never happens to me again
to have to punch a door and to cry
and to have not only the feeling
but also to know that if the door does not open
something terrible will happen

I also remember how I hit myself
in a very well cleaned glass door
which did not open automatically

I wonder if the door to the backyard
is jealous that the front door
gets more attention
or is it just the opposite
she enjoys being quieter and calmer
and enjoys the solitude

but really
which door I can't stop thinking about?

for the one that is closed maybe but not only

but I also seem to think of the one through which it is forbidden to enter

I've always been drawn to go where you shouldn't go
to open the door of a forbidden room
and open the closet
to look in the cupboards for boxes or cartons
to browse the books on the shelves
to look through the discs or paintings
and to explore until I quench my curiosity
and calm down